What this article is
This is the story of how I recovered from Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and addiction, built my life back up from scratch, and found happiness. I hope that this article can help to inspire the thousands of people out there who suffer in silence, who feel afraid to talk about these issues due to the stigma of mental illness, and who feel there is no hope in their bleak, dark world.
What this article is not
This is not a plea for attention nor for pity or sympathy. I do not wish for, nor do I have any need for any such things. It has simply come to a point where the more people I speak to in everyday life, the more I have come to realise just how prevalent the issues I have faced are in today’s society, and as someone who recovered from depression, I feel it necessary, nay, imperative, that I share my story for the sake of all those out there who are in the dark place that I was in for 13 years.
Depression — How it started
I was always a melancholic child — very creative and brooding. It became apparent that I had a talent for music which I felt was an extension of myself, a means to express the dark feelings I would often find myself embroiled in with no explanation as to why. I took up violin at the age of four. Children at school quickly realised I was different and hastily proceeded to bully me.
At the age of eight the opportunity arose to become a chorister at the local cathedral, the deal being that in return for a huge scholarship to a prestigious public school, I would board and sing in the cathedral’s daily services. It was a tough life, and being an only child and a sensitive one at that, not one that suited my character. I quickly spiralled into a deep depression, with no knowledge of what I was experiencing or how to express it. Thoughts of suicide were a daily occurrence, as was retching into the toilet on an empty stomach every morning due to crippling anxiety — a terrifying fear of the day ahead.
In addition to singing, I played the piano and violin during these years, finding some solace in these activities. Nothing, however, was enough to break me out of the relentless cycle of negative thought patterns. Things started to improve slightly in my final year of choir school. My hopes hinged on the new school and journey I was about to embark on.
The middle stage
At 13, my parents relocated, and I with them. I had won a major music scholarship to another public school over two hours away. I didn’t fit in from day one — I found the people to be extremely unfriendly and unwelcoming, and went back after my first day wanting to change schools. Changing schools, though, was not an option given my (unsurprisingly not fantastic) academic record and the lack of other schools with strong music departments in the area. Boarding somewhere else was out of the question for financial reasons.
I quickly lost contact with all my old friends and fell into the deepest, darkest depression I had ever been in. I had no one in the entire world. My parents were completely unaware of what was happening as I had never opened up to them about my feelings, and had become an expert at hiding them.
I was so depressed and alone that every second of every day was spent wishing myself to have the guts to commit suicide, but never being able to. I didn’t want to cry for help; I wanted to end it for good, but I could not find a way of doing it that didn’t sound excruciatingly painful.
My failure to not commit suicide would in itself spiral me into even more uncontrollable despair and numbness. I would frequently have panic attacks and not be able to breathe. This lasted for two years. At the age of 15, I began playing music in a band as a pianist with a guitarist named Ollie — the only friend I had managed to make.
My depression was still suicidal, but less desperate. That was when I realised I had depression and told my parents, who were shocked.
It was not until many years later, however, in my second year of university that I decided to get treatment for the illness that had haunted me all my life. Enough was enough; I could no longer abide the feelings I had, especially as I could no longer blame it on external conditions, which were good.
I began a course of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), started meditating regularly, eventually (and reluctantly at first) decided to go on medication (Citalopram 30mg), and began to make baby steps towards improving my life.
If you are someone who experiences recurring negative feelings, you don’t have to suffer in silence like I did. Often, the stigma of a mental illness is much worse than the illness itself, and that stops many from getting the help they need; I had first heard of depression aged nine or ten but had a firm belief that it was only for people who were weak.
Depression is a physical illness. Studies have shown that the hypothalamus and amygdala, areas of the brain reported to regulate mood amongst other things, are up to 30% smaller in depressed patients than healthy individuals.
The time has come where we need to end this stigma surrounding mental illness once and for all. There is now a wealth of information on depression and the brain; information that is better explained by professionals in the field. My account is merely personal.
If you have been moved by this article and know someone who has suffered from mental illness, or if you have suffered from mental illness yourself, or indeed are suffering now and want to speak out, please share this article on Facebook or Twitter with the hash tag #endthestigma.
I encourage you also to share your story on Facebook along with the hash tag, whether it be a personal account or about a friend or family member. Together, we can #endthestigma.
To those who are suffering
Make steps towards a bright future, and get the right help. Your life can be happier than you ever imagined, but you need to make that first step. It’s scary, but so, so worth it. Realising that this is just as legitimate an illness as any visible illness really helps to rationalise things and come to terms with your feelings.
A success story
I genuinely thought I would never be free from depression. Today, I meditate regularly, sing in a Cuban band (amongst other things), write, work part time as a fitness coach, exercise a lot and eat healthily. In July I will graduate with a degree in Music from the University of York. I can categorically say that I have never been happier. If I could do it, you can. Trust me. Depression: ‘ain’t nobody got tiiiiime for that!’
A Buddhist dedication
May everyone be happy.
May everyone be free from misery.
May no one ever be separated from their happiness.
May everyone have equanimity, free from hatred and attachment.
There are many charities who do fantastic work to help those in need whilst simultaneously striving to end the stigma of mental illness. Rethink Mental Illness (in England and Wales), Mind, and The Samaritans all do excellent work and should you find it in your heart to donate, please do.
If you are ever having suicidal thoughts or are struggling with negative feelings and have no one to turn to, the Samaritans are there to help and offer support 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Contact them on 08457 909090 (UK) or if you are US based visit Samaritans USA.
Written by Dan Simmons
More articles by Dan Simmons
Is spirituality pointless? Does science have all the answers?
